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CHAPTER 13In spite of her dubiosity, she had seemed to relax at my willingness to talk and visit her place in order to see the children.“Good, I’ll call first, okay?” she said, “let you know that I’m coming.”“Uh-I don’t have a phone,” I said. She reached into her purse which she had been holding and pulled out a cell phone.“I didn’t know if you had one or not, so I got this one for you to use,” she said.It was one of those new cell phone things that I’d seen around at the VFW.“Okay?” she said. “My number is already programmed into it under contacts.” I gave her a look. It was clear to her that her assuming I couldn’t afford a phone was kinda insulting. She didn’t mean it that way, I knew, she was just making things more convenient for herself and for me too as an afterthought.“Okay,” I said. “I guess I’ll have to use it for now until I can get one of my own. But I’ll get it back to you as soon as I can get one.” She gave me a sour look. I guess she thought that I was being petty. I wasn’t actually; I just didn’t want to be owing them anything, not anything.“Okay,” she said.We talked a little longer, and then we were joined by her husband and the kids, all of whom had been entertained by the seniors while she corralled me.“Well, I guess we’re all ready to go,” said Owen. “Uh-Sam, I hope we’ll be seeing more of you down the line. I know that this meet up tonight must’ve felt a little strange. To be totally honest it did for me. But, well, anyway, I hope we can get to know each other a little bit better.”“Yeah, sure,” I said, as disingenuously as I ever said anything. I know my look had to have been seen as very cold toward the man, and in truth it was meant to be. I couldn’t help it. I wanted nothing so much as to see the man dead. But, all in all the day had gone okay, better than I might have imagined it would. And I had gotten out of it what I wanted at least ostensibly. Would it all turn out to be a chimera? Well, we’d be seeing. Yes we would.The seniors had been standing back letting things play out, but now our hosts came forward and saw the family Cord to the door. The kids were staring back at me as they were ushered out.The door closed behind them. I had a look on my face that even I wouldn’t have been able to describe. But, Mister Williams seemed to be able to.“You look pensive,” he said.“Pensive? Yeah I guess. Like the man said it was strange me being here with them, especially him. It felt really strange.“I would have liked it better if the children would have at least said goodbye to me, but I guess I understand why they didn’t,” I said.“It was a first step, Sam. Don’t read anything into the kids not saying goodbye. It’s going to need some getting used to. I mean you being around them and they you.“At any rate, this meet up needed to be done because you will be around them off and on in the future. I mean when you go to see them or they bring them down to see you,” he said. I nodded.He was right. I knew he was right, but the kids getting used to me paled by the prospect of my needing to get used to being around the man who’d helped my wife make me a cuckold, and followed that up by taking her away from me. I just wasn’t sure I was ever going to be at a place where I could do that, get used to being around him, at least not comfortably.“Yeah I guess,” I said, “maybe.”******“Well whaddya think,” she said.“Abigail, I just don’t know. I feel so sorry for the guy. I mean his face! It’s awful. But . . .” he said.“But?” she said.“Abby, I do not want to give up my position, whatever it is, with the girls. Sam being around from time to time is fine. I’ve got no problem with that. But to officially and meaningfully give up being their father, really their only father, well, I just don’t know,” he said. “I know what you promised your dad, but…”“Oh boy, that is going to be a problem, Owen. The man came to the barbecue because I assured Dad that we would be willing to give the honor of chief fatherhood to the man. If he thought that we’d played him, well, I don’t want to think about the fallout from that,” she said.“I know. And, I do wish you’d talked to me first before you said anything to your dad. But, I guess we’ll just have to go forward and hope that things will work out for the best, and that includes for me, not just Sam,” he said.“It will. I’m sure of it,” she said. “We just have to be—something.”“You’re the eternal optimist,” he said. “How are you going to broach the fact that I’ve adopted the twins? Just meeting with him so briefly, I got the feeling that he is not the kind of guy to just take something like that in stride.“Abbs, I’m the twin’s daddy, their real daddy. Okay, I’m not the sperm donor, kaçak iddaa but in every other respect I am the man who fills that role, the fatherly role,” said Owen Cord.“Yes, you are, and you will have your place with those girls no matter what happens or how much the other guy’s around. But, at least for now, and at least in name, he’s got to be allowed to believe that he’s the main daddy. The man’s sacrificed a lot. And we stole his life. He’s got nothing else but those girls. And worse, he may never have anything that means anything to him ever again apart from those girls. Letting him have a little of his own is little enough,” she said. The man nodded.“I guess you’re right. And, we do owe the guy. So, okay, I’ll play along. Okay?” he said.“Thank you my husband. I love you,” she said.******The big do had been over the Labor Day weekend. That had been almost a month gone. I’d not gotten any calls or messages or visits in all of the time since. I wondered at that. Abigail had seemed very interested in meeting with me for some reason; hell, she’d given me a phone so she could contact me. But, apparently I’d misread her intentions in that regard. Well, that’s what I’d thought until two hours ago. Because two and a half hours ago I’d hung up the phone, her fancy phone; she was on her way here, to Tucson, and that without either the children or her husband.I was tilting back an IPA. I’d discovered that I preferred it to regular lagers. It was stronger for sure, but also less bloating. One had to love the ingenuity of today’s brewers.I heard her pull up outside. Right on time; well, I’d judged the time since the call and I was off by exactly four minutes.I wheeled over to the door and opened it, well, I left it ajar.I waited for her to come up and knock. She did and the door opened slightly for her.“Oops, Sam, your door was open!” she said. “I didn’t mean…”“No, no, come in,” I said. “I heard you pull up outside. I knew it was you. It makes it a bit easier to leave the door ajar if I know someone is going to visit is all.”“Oh, okay, and thank you, Sam,” she said. She came in. She looked good, real good. Boy could I sure use some of what she looked like. But that was something that would likely never be coming my way again, and certainly not from her.“Have a seat,” I said. I indicated the little love seat that filled the role a couch would have if my place had been a larger.She smiled and took the seat. “Thanks, it was kind of a tiring drive,” she said.“Like something to drink?” I said. I decided since the barbecue that I would be making an effort to deal with my hang ups and to try to move on emotionally. Any number of my pals at the VFW had advised me to do so, and I was getting to the point where I was actually listening to others advice. Feeling sorry for myself was not getting me anywhere, so what did I have to lose. And the two of them had, apparently, given me the one thing I had to have, my fatherhood back.“Actually, yes,” she said. “Got a beer?” I smiled. She’d be getting an IPA.“For sure,” I said. I wheeled into the little attached kitchenette and retrieved the asked for beverage. I returned to her and handed her the beer.“So,” I said, as I watched her take a sip. I decided to do the same and did.“To what do I owe this unexpected visit?” It was clear to me that it wasn’t to take me to visit my babies.She seemed to deflate. And, now I deflated. Her body language indicated that whatever she was about it would not be especially good news for me. She seemed to sense my feelings and made to ameliorate the impact of whatever it was that had brought her to my doorstep; she smiled.“Sam, I am so sorry for just deciding to drop in like this. Please forgive me,” she said.“Yeah, yeah, sure,” I said. “It’s bad news isn’t it. I mean bad for me.”“No, no, no, not really. It’s kind of neutral, but it is kind of important or maybe meaningful would be a better way to describe it,” she said.“Okay,” I said, “So?” She swallowed. I knew that this was going to be bad in spite of what my ex-wife was saying.“Sam, when you disappeared, now seemingly so long ago, and no I don’t mean for the military. You left both me and our babies kind of out there. Being a parent, well that job carries with it a lot of responsibilities and legalities and problems and well all of it,” she said.“Abigail, are you trying to tell me, oh so gently, that I am not the babies’ main daddy?” I said.“No, no, no, no!” she exclaimed. “Please let me get this out there, okay!”“Okay,” I said. I was feeling a little bit more confident that, that whatever this was, it was unrelated to my fatherhood.“Well, like I was saying. When you disappeared, or more accurately kaçak bahis didn’t appear in the first place after you returned from the war, I was forced to make a lot of decisions on my own, so I did,” she said.I was nodding. So far I had to allow that she was making sense. “Okay?” I said.“Well, I agreed to allow Owen to adopt the babies, our babies yours and mine. And he did, we did,” she said.I leaned back in my chair. Well, I sure as hell was wrong about this, whatever it was, not having anything to do with my fatherhood. She just got done telling me that in fact her current husband was my babies’ father and that legally. And of course, also in fact, I actually had no legal rights regarding them whatsoever, not anymore.The odd thing was that what she’d just laid on me had been that which I had assumed was the case before I had ever laid eyes on any of them, after my return to the states, well until the barbecue. And, a second odd thing was that I knew exactly how I was going to respond to the news. I’d gone over it in my head ten thousand times over those few years. Oh yes, I knew exactly what I was about to say. The tone of her response to me would tell the tale.“Abigail, how is this thing you are laying on me today going to affect my place as the decision maker for my children going forward?” I said. She gave me a look that could have been interpreted any number of ways. I chose not to interpret it at all.“Sam, in real terms it won’t have any effect at all. But…” she said.“But?” I said.“You live far away. You won’t be there for them all of the time. The children are living with me. So, in practical terms, there will be times when Owen, well, he will be the one to make this or that decision, sign this or that paper, well whatsoever. And frankly, Sam, he deserves to be included in the mix here, the decision making mix. I mean what do you think?” she said.“And if something comes along that I disagree with, I mean with a decision he makes, what would happen?” I said.“We’d listen to you and likely go your way,” she said. I nodded.“Likely, you say. Well I guess we’ll be seeing,” I said. Her turn to be nodding.“Sam, you and I can’t just cut Owen out of his place in the family. Since the adoption he is their father too, not just their stepfather. Can you and I agree on that much? I mean you’re their main daddy, and Owen and I and everybody recognizes that, but . . .”“But?” I said.“But, he has been there for them. You didn’t come home to us when you should have, and that was your bad. But, that said, I surely do understand your reasons and everything. So, I guess what I’m hoping for here is a little understanding from you too,” she said. I stared.“Like I said, we’ll be seeing,” I said. “But you need to know or realize, that all I’ve got are those babies. If you or that man of yours plans to take them away from me on any level, not just in terms of practical matters, I’ll see through your games real fast. Got that?”“Okay, Yes, I got it. And I assure you no one wants to come between you and the children especially not me nor really Owen either,” he said.We talked a little bit more. She offered to pick me up in a week’s time and bring me to their place. I agreed.CHAPTER 14 It had only been a week since seeing her, smelling her, being around her, listening to her—wishing it was me in bed with her. I needed the woman, but, as I kept having to remind myself, I would never have her again, probably not any woman ever again. Even prostitutes would be avoiding me, making excuses to not be with me because I was so ugly. And now the woman, the one that used to be my woman was coming to pick me up, so I could be with our children. It would be a two hour drive if we didn’t stop to get coffee or anything. And now I was scared.Could I do this? And what if I couldn’t. I didn’t have the money to get home by cab if it turned out that I could not do it. I was going to be trapped. But maybe it would be all right. God I hoped it would be all right.I looked across the room to where my little clock radio announced that it was 10:00 a.m. She would be here shortly. Butterflies in my stomach ran riot in their fleshy cage. I felt like I was going to be sick. I wheeled myself fast, very fast to the bathroom. I leaned over the commode and lost the previous night’s TV dinner.I wiped my mouth and tried to relax for a moment in my chair. I heard her knock. Talk about bad timing. I didn’t even flush the toilet as I half way raced to answer the door. It was locked; I had forgotten to unlock it and leave it slightly ajar: something I always did anymore when I knew I would be having a visitor.“Hi,” I said, opening the door for her. She illegal bahis gave me a look. I must have still looked pale or upset or something.“Uh-hi,” she said. Boy she sure did look pretty, the absolute opposite of me. I turned and wheeled back inside.“Sam, are you okay?” she said, concern evident in her tone.“Yeah, I’m fine,” I said. She nodded, but did not look convinced.“I need to use the bathroom, okay?” she said.“Uh—it doesn’t smell too good, why don’t you let me flush again,” I said.“Don’t worry about that, I’ll flush it if it needs it.” She was already striding down the short hall to the bathroom.“She was in there for what seemed a long time, but in reality was actually only a very few minutes. And she had flushed; I’d heard it.“Sam, that was vomit in the toilet are you all right?” she said.“Yeah, just something I ate last night,” I said. Her look was dubious.“Sam…” she said.“I’m fine, Abigail, okay?”“Sam, I’m nervous too, probably more than you,” she said. She’d found me out.“Yeah, maybe,” I said, “or maybe not.” She was eyeing me and looking—suspicious.“Sam, last week when I visited you; well, I did it to kind of clear the decks so that we could go forward and begin doing things rightly. Know what I mean?” she said.“Yeah, I guess,” I said. “But can I ask, what does your husband think of all of this? He and I didn’t talk a lot at the barbecue. And you didn’t say anything that was actually meaningful regarding him last week.”She seemed to squirm in the seat she’d taken at my little utility table. “Look you got any coffee in there?” She nodded in the direction of the kitchenette.“Yeah, sure,” I said. I started to wheel myself to get her the coffee, but she raised her hand to short shank me.“I’ll get it; I’m desperate,” she said. I nodded for her to go ahead.“You can pour me one too,” I said, to her retreating backside.“Okay,” she said. She was back and handing me my cup in a little under a minute and a half.“I bought them,” I said, in answer to her questioning look relating to the Denny’s cups I’d gotten for three bucks each at my favorite local diner. She nodded and smiled.“Well good. I was afraid you’d stolen them,” she said. She was clearly kidding; well, I thought that she was kidding.“To answer your question, Sam, he’s even more nervous than I am. Sam, we, he and I, are well aware that you feel screwed over by me. And, Sam, I will own that I did screw you over. But it’s done, and I can’t take it back nor would I. I love the man. I still have feelings for you too, but they are not the same ones I had when we were kids. I need you to know that and accept it so that we can go forward like I said, and maybe begin to feel good about each other again,” she said.She seemed to get it that she’d stung me. The truth that I agreed with her on most everything she’d said notwithstanding.“You still haven’t answered me,” I said.“Sam I didn’t mean to hurt you just now, but I did need to get out into the open what my feelings are and what I think that we need to do,” she said, ignoring my last attempt to get an answer to my question about the other man position on things.“You gonna answer me or do we just break this up right now and you go your way and I go mine,” I said. She looked taken aback at my strident insistence that she answer me.“Sam, okay, you’re right. But, I wasn’t trying to change the subject. I was just…” She started.“Now or never!” I said.“Okay, okay,” she said. “So what are my husband’s thoughts in all of this? He’s worried and afraid and nervous that you will take his place, or try to, with the girls,” she said.“Or try to? You mean that if I tried to he’d steamroll me?” I said.“No!” she blurted. “You got that all wrong!”“Okay then, just what is his place with the girls?” I said. I could feel my eyes narrowing. She sensed my feelings and was about to lie to me to ameliorate them.“The truth, Abigail, the real truth. Do not try to snow a snowman,” I said. She sighed.“The truth is he’s their daddy too. He’s been there for them since the beginning, you not so much,” she said. Her tone was strident, determined, and hurtful.“And as relates to me? Is he the main daddy? Is that what you’re trying oh so delicately to impart to me?” I said. I wasn’t quite snarling, oh hell, yes I was.“It’s a matter of perspective. But yes, that’s how he sees himself. He knows that you have a right to be in the babies’ lives. But he loves them too. So…”“So I get lip service and he gets to be the real daddy, not me, right?” I said.“It’s not like that. He will not get in the way of your relationships with the children. He will not nor would I allow that to be the case, not ever. But, he does feel that he has rights too. And he gets it Sam, he does,” she said. “He gets it that you are in tough with your disabilities, he does. But he feels that the question of fatherhood, or fatherhoods in this case, is not related to any of that.